“I know you don’t understand my words but you will eventually
And when you get older I hope you don’t hold this sh*t against me
I hope you understand I love you more than life itself
And this is nothin’ but your daddy’s thoughts when he was feelin’ empty” -Joyner Lucas
“Would you feel lost without me? Honestly I feel like the world would be better off without me.”
I hope you never get to this point baby boy. I hope suicide never haunts your mind the way it did for me growing up. I hope your faith stays strong throughout all your trials and tribulations. I hope me and mom can teach you the meaning of life and how delicate it is. I’m not as strong as you think I am. I know I was able to kill that monster under the bed yesterday night but I wasn’t always this strong. I didn’t always know the answers to your questions. This image you see in front of you has been tested time and time again, in ways which I questioned my own existence. I would questioned everything growing up, even God. Is there a God? Probably not because if there was a God he wouldn’t let those boys beat me up in middle school. My thoughts plagued me son. I was in such a state of dismay, everyone else seemed to be enjoying life but I had to struggle. Why would God allow these people to consistently make fun of me growing up? Why would God allow my so called friends to use me? Why would God allow that gun to be pulled out on me? Growing up in a Catholic church I was always told God was my protector but every turn I took I’m getting abused? Who was he actually protecting? Because it wasn’t me. Why didn’t I have supporters growing up? Why didn’t they believe in me? Why did my classmate have to throw a chair at my head? Why did god allow me to see a few bullets hit that guy? Why did I need to see that body turn cold? Why couldn’t my parents understand my dreams? Why wasn’t I allowed to talk about my feelings? Why was I forced to hold everything in? Who made these fucking rules? Mentally, half my life was buried son. So deep that I forgot who I was. My soul wasn’t there, you could see the absence in my eyes. I never really felt happy growing up. I was honestly a real angry kid because I believed I was supposed to be that way. I just wanted to feel appreciated. Son I was so weak, just thinking about it makes me sick. I became a stealer just to fit in.
To get out of these situations you need something that is bigger than you, you need something to believe in. For me, it was basketball. Basketball saved my life. I’ll dive into why basketball was important to me another day but basketball allowed me to compete, it allowed me to better myself and understand life through the sport. I understood who God was through basketball better than I did in church. Church thought me what was right and wrong, Basketball taught me faith.
Son, I just want you know that I am not perfect and the things I have faced maybe similar to things you will face. I don’t regret that space in my life because it allowed me a newer perspective. The benefit for you is that I will always be there as your blue print. You can come to me for anything and everything, I will always make sure you don’t feel alone.
Love your biggest fan